10 Things I Learned As A Lesbian Mom

Being a mom for a year now has been such a crazy experience. Nobody can prepare you. It’s exhausting! Like really exhausting. But ultimately, I’d never change a thing about choosing to be a parent and choosing how we are raising Thea (co-sleeping, no pacifier, no bottle, etc.). 

A few things I learned this year include:

Photo by kit karzen | @kitkarzen

1. Most people don’t mean to offend.

We were in Vegas for the 4th of July and hanging by the pool. Thea, as she typically does, stole the show. People wanted to meet her and ask about her age and just make sweet comments. One woman was with her husband and their huge group of friends visiting from Miami (I had been talking with the husband at the gym earlier that morning). The wife asked Sydney and I who the mother was. I responded with “we are”. She took a moment to process what I said and then said “oh, I didn’t mean to offend” and I told her it was totally fine. Then we all continued to chat (mostly about Thea).

What I can tell you is, I don’t mind if people need a moment to process our family structure. It’s “new” and I say new in quotes cause it really isn’t, but it is to most people. As long as there’s respect for who we are, people can process openly, inwardly, can ask us about it and it won’t offend me. I think visibility matters for LGBT people, including LGBT families and I’m willing to provide them with a teachable moment people may need.

2. The institutions I was nervous about recognizing me as a full parent surprised me! (In a good way)

As some may know by following our social media, Thea was hospitalized at 8 months because of a very severe fall. She had a skull fracture and was in PEDS ICU at UCLA’s Mattel Children’s Hospital for 3 days. When the accident happened, Thea rode in the ambulance and I followed in my car and arrived separately to the hospital. Upon arrival, Sydney was already with Thea in the emergency room and I had to give my ID to the security and he had to go in the back and confirm I was in fact who I claimed to be and I saw the attending doctor wave me in. I was nervous waiting during those moments as I didn’t know if they would acknowledge me as the mother since Thea was already with one of her mothers, but it was a non-issue. 

    Then throughout the night while in the emergency room and medical transfer to UCLA’s Mattel Children’s Hospital and our 3 day stay there, we had no issues at all regarding our family structure. It was a blessing knowing the amount of stress we were under that we didn’t have this added, unnecessary stress to deal with. 

3. I don’t need to be the breastfeeding mother to bond with my child.

I had a few people in my life tell me that Sydney would easily bond with Thea because she’s breastfeeding her and that I needed to be prepared to find our form of bonding. I thought that was a strange limiting belief to put on me and I kind of shrugged it off without letting it bother me (aka: I forgot about it until I overheard Sydney speaking with a friend about how tight of a bond Thea and I have). Here’s what I discovered this year: I’m bonded to Thea. END OF STATEMENT. By virtue of being her mother, we are bonded. I have never loved and wanted to protect someone as much as Thea.

4. I’m not the “dad” in the situation. I’m the mom.

This statement probably bothers me just as much as when people either seriously or jokingly say “so who’s the man in the relationship?”. It’s so ignorant. I’m the mom. I really shouldn’t have to explain it any more than that but for those who still don’t get it, let me elaborate:

Since I identify as a women and a parent: I’m a mom. I don’t need to have birthed a child to have a motherly connection to a child (just ask the millions of mothers who have adopted or raised children they did not birth). In addition, when someone says I’m ‘the dad’, you’re telling me that family structures can only be one way: a mom and a dad. I reject that. Sydney and I are a perfect example of two moms raising a child. I don’t need you to impress your limits on me. Thanks, but no thanks.

5. Thea is such a special little girl.

Watching Thea see or do something for the first time is so interesting to me, like when she discovered what a ‘ceiling fan’ is and how it can be turned on or off. The first time she said a word or started to crawl or took a step, it blew my mind! Why is it so impressive?

6. I want Thea to go to female doctors.

This was kind of random and only became true after it was spoken. Sydney wanted to interview a few different pediatricians and I requested she find female doctors. Sydney was confused about the request and so I explained: I want Thea to have a female doctor so that unconsciously she would be exposed to professional women in all different environments. Basically, I didn’t want her think women were only school teachers and men are doctors. Thankfully, we found an amazing pediatrician that multiple people in our community recommended, and we have been very happy.

7. I want to befriend other same-sex parents.

I realized this year through conversations with Sydney that it’s important to us that Thea grow up knowing other families that looked like hers.

At the Beverly hills public library

Although we know a lot of gay people, finding other same-sex couples with young children isn’t the easiest. So one of the things I’ve done to support this is starting the Facebook group Gay Moms as a way for LGBTQ parents to connect.

8. I’ve never been more tired in my life.

I’m not joking.

Thea was an amazing sleeper for the first 4 month, sleeping about 10-12 hours each night. Then she got sick and had a stuffy nose and that stopped happening and a new habit had formed after just one week.

Around six month she started waking up around 2 am and being excited to play…this killed us. Sydney was ready to stop co-sleeping and start sleep training, two things I know she wasn’t committed to.

As Thea reaches her 12 month mark, her habits are starting to change and develop again. She’s sleeping through the night and so are we.

9. I am parenting differently.

I didn’t expect it, but I also shouldn’t be surprised by this. I’ve always lived my life going against the grain of social norms, always lived my life by my rules— why would parenting be any different?

What am I doing that’s so different? It’s not a lot of things and it’s also not that significant, but If you believe in the aggregation of marginal gains (as I do) and apply it to parenting, ultimately, it will produce a child that is not just physically healthier, but emotionally sound, content, and at peace.

It started with Sydney and I choosing to approach pregnancy and childbirth using The Bradley Method which encourages moms to eat a high protein diet as well as have a natural birth, which Sydney did and you can read/watch our video about HERE.

From the beginning, we have chosen to co-sleep and not sleep train, exclusively breastfeed, never introduced a bottle or formula, never introduced a pacifier, approached food as play and not nutrition (since she was breastfed; some may call this babyled but honestly, I never looked into babyled so I’m not 100% sure).

Thea on her birthday

Thea’s schedule has always been very fluid, depending on her. Her naps were anywhere from 10 am to 2 pm, for either 30 mins or 2 hours. She’s now pretty consistent with when she goes down for a nap but we let her figure it out and we just follow her lead—although we would usually prefer those 2 hour naps.

10. I think I’ve done pretty good for never doing this before.

I can’t believe it’s been a year since we met Thea. I can’t believe I only changed my first diaper a year ago—I feel like I’ve been doing it my whole life.

As the youngest of all my cousins, I was never really around babies much growing up. Yes, there was the occasional baby I met but that’s all. I never really needed to be quiet cause the baby was sleeping or have dinner with a baby at the table so becoming a parent was a radical life change for me. I think for being new and novice to the world of babies, I think I’ve done a pretty good job. I learned a lot in our Bradley Method class’ and Thea teaches me each and everyday.