Pride Shabbat 2024
Last month, I was asked by my Rabbi if I would prepare a Dvar Torah — or sermon — for the first Friday of June, otherwise known as Pride Shabbat. Aside from the extreme honor it was to be asked, it was also a no brainer. If you’ve been following us long enough, you know that we live by the words “visibility matters” — so of course I said yes!
Last month, I was asked by my Rabbi if I would prepare a Dvar Torah — or sermon — for the first Friday of June, otherwise known as Pride Shabbat. Aside from the extreme honor it was to be asked, it was also a no brainer. If you’ve been following us long enough, you know that we live by the words “visibility matters” — so of course I said yes!
Before I share my speech, I wanted to quickly dive into what a Dvar Torah is. Dvar Torah literally means "word of Torah" and is like a little nugget of wisdom . And it isn't just about reciting ancient words. It's about making those words come alive in today's world. It's like taking a timeless message and giving it a modern twist, kind of like updating an old recipe with some new spices to make it pop!
So, whether you're sharing a Dvar Torah at a Shabbat dinner, a study group, or even just with a friend over a cup of tea, it's all about connecting with each other through the wisdom of the Torah and finding meaning in our everyday lives. It's like having a heart-to-heart chat with a dear friend who just happens to be thousands of years old!
We begin this Shabbat — the first of Pride month — entering a new book of the Torah, the Book of Numbers, and this week’s parsha, Bamidbar, or “in the wilderness”. The Israelites, poised on the edge of the wilderness, are meticulously counted by tribe and family.
But what about those who don't fit neatly into a category? What about those who are impaired physically or mentally? What about those who are temporarily out of commission due to an injury or those who have an invisible chronic health issue? What about those who were born into a family of mixed Tribes, say Benjamin and Judah. While both tribes share religion, land, and traditions, Judah's political prominence and Benjamin's warrior reputation give them separate identities.
No one wants to be put into a group or category permanently. We are beings who evolve over time, ever-changing, growing, and shifting through phases of life.
So then what about the one whose identity dances between groups, defying classification? What about the queer Jew, the one whose identity stands out from the expected norm?
For those of you who may not know me, my name is Sydney Sharon. I am a proud member of this temple, joining just over three years ago when my daughter turned 2 and began at the preschool. I am also a proud member of the LGBTQ+ community. I am a proud Jew. And I am a very proud mama.
When my wife and I were given this incredible opportunity to write this week’s Dvar Torah and share our personal experiences of being gay jews navigating this world’s landscape, it was a no brainer for us. For if there is one code we live by in and out of our home, it’s that visibility matters.
So, if you’re wondering what makes our story so special or how our story relates to Bamidbar, give me another few minutes, and I promise it will be worth it.
This parsha, with its emphasis on counting and order as well as the wild-ness of one’s journey — both physically and in reality, but also the internal struggle of what it means to be wild and perhaps barren — can feel particularly isolating and lonely for those who don't see themselves reflected in the traditional framework. How does one who exists outside these established societal norms navigate the terrain?
A closer look into the parsha reveals a deeper message — a message that perhaps can shed light on and provide hope and possibilities to the intersectionality of what it means to be BOTH gay and Jewish, otherwise finding a new category or tribe to fit comfortably in.
On the one hand, the wilderness is often perceived and referred to as a barren wasteland. But there is also the other side of that coin, which holds the potential for profound transformation. The act of wandering, of being untethered, can lead to a deeper connection with oneself, with God, or with your tribe and family. For the wilderness can be a place where old structures fall, and new opportunities emerge.
For the queer Jew, too, exists in their own kind of wilderness, both outwardly and inside. Navigating societal expectations, religious interpretations, and personal desires can often feel like wandering through an uncharted territory.
But here's the beauty: The Torah itself acknowledges the existence of those who stand out. Take the tribe of Levi. Unlike the other tribes who received designated territories in the Land of Israel, the Levites were not allotted their own land. Instead, The Levites were entrusted with the sacred duty of serving the Mishkan, or traveling Temple, during the Israelites' wanderings in the wilderness. I wonder what it was like to be able to wander from tribe to tribe, being welcomed into all, but still somehow, not part of one, not at the core. Always an outsider while also simultaneously being a fleeting insider — a dichotomy of ambivalent fitting in-ness. So perhaps, the Levites, unmoored from a fixed location, represent the fluidity of identity, the ability to move and adapt while still holding sacred space.
Similarly, the queer Jew carries a unique kind of sacred space. Their lived experience, their perspective that challenges the norm, can bring fresh insights to traditions. Their very existence pushes us to question our assumptions, to consider the expansiveness of what it means to be part of the Jewish tapestry.
The wilderness, then, becomes a metaphor for the journey of self-discovery. It's in the questioning, the wrestling with customs and rituals, that a queer Jew can find their own authentic expression of Judaism.
Think of Miriam, Moses' sister. In the wilderness, she leads the women in song and dance, a celebration outside the established order. Her act, sometimes interpreted as rebellion, can also be seen as an expansion of the Jewish experience, a recognition of the many voices that contribute to the journey.
Bamidbar reminds us that God's presence resides not just in the established structures, but also in the margins, in the unexpected places. The queer Jew, standing out in the wilderness, can be a powerful reminder of that very truth. Their unique perspective can illuminate new pathways, enriching the ongoing conversation that is Judaism.
So, this Shabbat, let us not just count, but celebrate the richness of experience within our community. Let us embrace the wilderness, the space for questioning and growth, where each Jew, queer or not, can find their own place to stand and sing their sacred song.
Why California Cryobank
When Brit and I first began actively planning for our family, our first hurdle to overcome was figuring out the who, how, and where. Who would be our sperm donor? How would we find him? Where do we look?
When Brit and I first began actively planning for our family, our first hurdle to overcome was figuring out the who, how, and where. Who would be our sperm donor? How would we find him? Where do we look?
Should we ask someone we know? Should we use a sperm bank? Although we did toy with the idea of using a known donor, we both felt strongly that using an accredited sperm bank would ultimately be in the best interest of us and our future kids. Why? Because we knew going third party would mean that the donors would be medically vetted and that all parties would be legally protected.
The next hurdle was finding the right sperm bank. Surprisingly, there was a lot to choose from. There isn’t one universal bank for all. And luckily for us, living in Los Angeles gave us access to some very reputable ones quite literally at our fingertips. After hours of Google searches and phone and text conversations with our familial network, choosing California Cryobank (CCB) was one of the easier choices we would ultimately be making.
CCB has been around for more than 40 years and is an internationally known and reputable sperm bank. Their donor database is more than extensive, with only 1% of donor applicants being accepted. That means 99% of potential donors get rejected - they only offer the best of the best! Furthermore, CCB’s customer service team was always available and understanding, compassionate, and warm. They held our hand and made us feel “normal” in what we were anticipating being anything but.
Okay…so far we had figured out that we are going to use an unknown donor through CCB. The next obstacle for us was finding our perfect match. CCB has one of the largest and most diverse selection of donors in the world, giving us a plethora of options. So how did we narrow down the hundreds of options? We filtered donors based on height, hair color, and blood type. We are both 5’7 and the men in our family are all over 6’, so height was important to us. We all have brown hair and knew that we wanted our donor to match that, too. And most importantly, we wanted our donor to have the same blood type as one of us, in case there were ever circumstances where our children would need medical attention. This was the biggest factor for us. This narrowed our search to less than a dozen potential donors. We understand that there are a billion possibilities of DNA sequences and nothing was guaranteed, but that’s where we started. From there, we reviewed their medical histories, flipped through baby photos, and found our match.
Once we agreed and picked our donor, we had to figure out how many vials we wanted. We were advised that the average vials needed per successful IUI with a fertile and healthy woman, was 5. And if we were committed to having the same donor for all of our children, that we would multiply 5 by the number of potential children we wanted. Well, in our dream world, we would have 4 children. That means 20 vials – and vials are not cheap. Thanks to our family and friends giving us a generous nest egg as wedding gifts a few years prior, we knew we saved specifically for sperm.
Fortunately for us, CCB is located just a few miles away from our fertility doctor. On the days leading up to each of our inseminations, we were able to call CCB ahead of time and pick up our vial of sperm and bring it to our doctor to prepare.
Between CCB’s global reputation, applicant screening process, and customer support, it was a no-brainer for us to choose them as our sperm bank. And now that we are on the other side of this parenthood journey, we are so excited and giddy to share with you access to a 90-day Level 2 subscription to CCB’s donor profiles with the promotion code SHARONMOMS.
Do you have more questions for us about our journey to motherhood? Send us a message! We’d love to hear from you and use your questions to help guide our next post.
Let’s Go There with Channel Q & RADIO.COM
We had an amazing opportunity recently to be interviewed by Shira Lazar, host of Let’s Go There on Channel Q & RADIO.COM, about our journey to parenthood. We spoke about how and why we chose the California Cryobank as well as what we were looking for in a sperm donor.
We had an amazing opportunity recently to be interviewed by Shira Lazar, host of Let’s Go There on Channel Q & RADIO.COM, about our journey to parenthood. We spoke about how and why we chose California Cryobank as well as what we were looking for in a sperm donor.
If you are looking to explore which cryobank is right for you or you already know California Cryobank (CCB) is your choice, use our promo code SHARONMOMS to receive a 90 day Level 2 Subscription access to donor profiles.
Nathan’s Birth Story
My pregnancy with Nathan as a whole was completely different than my pregnancy with Thea. And more than in that they are two different babies, thus each pregnancy will be different. I mean in the sense that exactly halfway into my pregnancy, the world shut down. I was officially having a pregnancy and birth in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. The word ‘unprecedented’ became a part of everyday jargon – in conversations with friends … in memes both funny and serious … in texts …
My pregnancy with Nathan as a whole was completely different than my pregnancy with Thea. And more than in that they are two different babies, thus each pregnancy will be different. I mean in the sense that exactly halfway into my pregnancy, the world shut down. I was officially having a pregnancy and birth in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. The word ‘unprecedented’ became a part of everyday jargon – in conversations with friends … in memes both funny and serious … in texts …
This was still very early on in my labor. We all had woken up and moved downstairs to the living room so i could have different spaces to labor while also keeping things as normal as possible for thea. during my contractions, she just wanted to lay with me. she was so patient and gentle with me.
This pregnancy was hard. It was hard emotionally. It was hard mentally. It was hard physically. It was hard spiritually. I didn’t get to have Brit by my side during my appointments. I didn’t get to parade around Los Angeles wearing cute, tight-fitting outfits that spotlight my baby bump. I didn’t get to have a traditional baby shower. I didn’t get to go on a babymoon. It sucked. And, it really was all first-world problems of what I didn’t get to have.
This pregnancy was also so special. Because of the lockdown, Brit was home. We had an amazing five months to truly co-parent Thea and watch her grow leaps and bounds during such a critical time developmentally. We spent some serious quality time together as a family of three, cherishing a time that would most likely otherwise be overstepped. I was able to give my heart and soul to Thea while equally having time to just sit and be with Nathan as he grew inside my belly. The silver lining of this pandemic gave me things I never would have otherwise knew I wanted. Our time is valuable, and our family thrived in knowing that and appreciating it.
this is one of my favorite places to labor. and with both babies, my mama jumped right in with me to coach me through my contractions.
With Thea arriving Earthside on her due date and this being my second pregnancy, I was convinced that Nathan would be early. And as anyone who has ever been pregnant will tell you, the last month of pregnancy truly feels like 4,287 days. Add in a pandemic and being quarantined in your home for 5 months, the last weeks leading up to Nathan’s birth took a toll on my mental headspace. As week 39 came to an end and his due date of August 8th quickly came and went, too, I was over it. I was over being pregnant. I was over the heat (hello, global warming). I was over the pre-labor contractions that would keep me up at night but weren’t progressing. I was just done.
I was also super anxious about my water breaking. I felt this same way when I was pregnant with Thea. I don’t know why, but for whatever reason, I get the most anxiety towards the end of my pregnancies with an irrational fear of worrying if and when my water is going to break. Which is so silly since I wasn’t going anywhere anyway since there was no place to go and thus, my water wouldn’t break in some drama-filled fantasy in Aisle 3 of Ralph’s. Ironically, but not really since most waters break while in active labor and not as the first sign of labor, my water broke in the water with Thea and my midwife had to break my water with Nathan, but more on that later.
this was one of many contractions i had while on our 2 mile hike.
Anyways, on Friday, August 14th, as I was getting my things together downstairs to head up to bed, I passed our Alex Show, where in big lettering plastered across the screen read, “Excessive Heat Warning in Calabasas Tomorrow.” Excellent. Another day of crazy, stupid heat while 41 weeks pregnant. I am sure it is to no one’s surprise that I was woken up around 3 am due to cramping. It took me about an hour of being uncomfortable and continuous waking’s to finally come to the realization that I was in early first stage labor.
Now, with Thea’s labor, the first sign of labor began around 11:30 am. By 8:46 pm, she was born. I had a fast and furious labor. It was hard but it moved quickly. My early labor lasted until around 3 pm which was when active labor began. I figured this second time around would be even faster. I was right. And I was wrong.
during my labor with thea, all i wanted was my mom. during my labor with nathan, all i wanted was brit and her touch,
From 3 am until 3 pm, I was in early labor. I was able to eat and nap throughout that time and even went on a 2-mile hike. I ran into neighbors, planned a very last-minute play date for Thea, watched Married At First Sight, and enjoyed deep tissue massage and other midwifery and doula practices to help keep me focused, calm, and relaxed, while encouraging Nathan to move down the birth canal. At around 3 pm, things began to pick up. I became very emotional. I spent the next 2 hours or so crying on and off, both apologizing for taking away from Thea being an only child and realizing my next dream of growing my family was about to come to fruition. I remember just sobbing. I was really at a pivotal crossroads where I felt like I was mourning being a family of three. I felt like I was truly betraying Thea and the only world she has known … one that I quite loved and enjoyed and cherished. At the same time, Brit and I have always dreamt and spoke of having a big family. It just never occurred to me how deeply and profoundly I would love my firstborn or how I would be able to love someone else as deeply and wholeheartedly as I did Thea. Ah yes, another familiar conversation many women will recognize and know who have birthed more than one baby.
i am in active labor here. my mom and dad to the left, brit and my midwife to the right. i used the tub more to labor against and on than in,
With Brit and my mom by my side again during this marathon, both were keenly aware and tuned in to my emotional state being an important ‘signpost’ of labor. I was in transition, usually the hardest and shortest stage of labor right before pushing begins. My contractions were consistent and strong, with many of them happening right on top of each other. Unlike last time, it never crossed my mind to even ask for or want an epidural. I just wanted to meet my son. I wanted to meet this sweet, and gentle, and patient little guy who I had been wishing for so long. We also learned that it was far less expensive to buy a birth tub (instead of rent) and we were pros at setting it up this time around. However, I have come to the conclusion that water births are just not for me. I have terrible, terrible back labor. When I have a contraction, the pain in my lower back is unbearable. The only way to counteract that kind of pain is counterpressure…hence the massage therapist. He is able to put an abundant amount of pressure on my back so that I can breathe through the contractions. When I am in the tub, he loses access to my back. So while we did invest in a birth tub and had the whole setup ready to go, and while I did try to labor in the tub again, it took me all of one contraction in there to know it was time for Plan B. The couch.
there were many times where i would have multiple contractions back-t0-back. brit was there to catch me every time.
And just like with Thea, I was assisted out of the tub and onto the couch. The same couch I delivered Thea on. I was ready. I was prepared. I was at about 8 and ½ centimeters when I felt the urge to push. So, I did. I only had a handful of contractions until I was finally at 10 centimeters dilated. I pushed and pushed and pushed. All the onlookers were in awe with seeing my bag of water bulge out when I would push and go back into hiding when the contraction was over. Could I do it? Could I be one of those mamas who delivers her baby in their bag of waters? It was another one of my dreams that could never be planned, and yet, here we were. Nathan was still in his bag of waters. Well, when you have been in a very slow-paced 12+ hours of early labor, followed by 3 hours of very fast, hard, active labor, all you want is the baby OUT. I told my midwife to break the bag. She did. With the next contraction, his head was out. I remember feeling the “ring of fire” and being done. I didn’t want to push anymore. I was tired. There was laughter all around me. The head was already out. There wasn’t much left for me to do and my midwife and team knew it. The final ‘signpost’ of my labor. Nathan was about to be born. And with one final push, my midwife grabbed Brit’s hands, and she delivered Nathan, our son, into this world. She plopped him right on top of me and there he was.
home birth in all its glory.
Nathan Henry Max was born on Saturday, August 15, 2020, at 6:40 pm, weighing 7 lbs, 13 oz, measuring 20 inches long. He was perfect. And that’s how and when we went from a family of three to a family of four.
welcome to the world, nathan henry max.
Memorable Moments of Nathan’s Birth and Other Post Labor Thoughts – Because remembering the whole thing in order and not in a heightened state with crazy hormones flowing is just not going to happen.
Apparently, I am the type of woman who curses like a sailor once I give birth to my babies. Some women cry ... but not me. I curse. A lot. But after pushing a HUMAN out of my VAGINA it’s the only thing that seems to make sense.
My early labor was very easy. I needed to concentrate on my contractions, but they were tolerable and easy enough to get through with the help of my team. I knew that if I kept moving around, changing positions, it would help move things along. Nathan had other plans. He was comfy where he was. But being able to go on the 2-mile hike was pretty special. My parent’s neighborhood is breathtaking and I felt deeply connected and grounded to my surroundings.
Brit was one of the last people to know I was in labor – again – as I knew she was going to be working just as hard and as long as I was. I needed her to be rested. After I woke my mom up and we alerted the team, then I woke and told Brit of the news.
Both my babies were born in the evening; and both on Saturdays.
Our Dynamic Birth Team
Midwife:
Leslie Stewart
Doula:
My Momma (Dr. Briar)
Photo and Video:
Rebecca and Lauren
Masseur:
Steve Oskard
In addition to our fabulous team, we had: Brit’s mom, who was in charge of feeding everyone, taking care of our dog, and being Brit’s support; Ilana, whom I have known for nearly my whole life and is my mom’s best friend, was in charge of being my mom’s support and delegating tasks, as she is always one (or two) steps ahead; our Cantor, who also made a debut at Thea’s birth, to play guitar and sing our babies out into this world, and my Dad and baby brother, who just wouldn’t have missed this occasion.
Our Birth Plan for Baby Boy
In case any of you are interested in what a birth plan can look like, and in particular, what our home birth plan looks like, we are sharing it with y’all as we just finished putting it together, now that our due date is just 3 weeks away.
In case any of you are interested in what a birth plan can look like, and in particular, what our home birth plan looks like, we are sharing it with y’all as we just finished putting it together, now that our due date is just 3 weeks away.
SURRENDER is the Name of the Game
Environment:
We are looking at creating a ‘Burke Williams’ - esque atmosphere. We want a serene, warm, soft, loving environment, leading to the celebration of our son’s birth day.
Our delivery is planned as:
Vaginal
Non-medicated
Water birth
Our Birthing Team:
Brit: wife, coach, partner supreme
Mom: doula extraordinaire
Dad: Extra hands, driver if needed, Thea’s caretaker if nighttime birth
Delaney/Eric/Marissa/Ari: Thea’s caretakers if day birth
Dana: food and drink
Dany: watch, feed and take care of Chloe
Ilana: Mom’s support
Annie: Brit’s support
Steve: masseuse
Rebecca and Lauren: production team
Blyss and Kim (her assistant): midwife team
During labor, we’d like:
The lights dimmed
Temperature of the house set to whatever my needs are in the moment
The room kept to a spa-level noise level
As few interruptions as possible
As few vaginal exams as possible
To wear my sleep bra and cotton shorts
For Brit and Mom to be present the entire time
To stay hydrated with water and OJ (over crushed ice)
To eat easy, calming foods (PB&J)
No cell phones once the photography/videography team arrive
One person ‘talking’ at a time to Sydney…there should be minimal voices/sound, unless Sydney is needing something or is being coached to surrender during contractions
Masks on … please!
I’d like to spend the 1st stage of labor:
Walking around
In the hot tub
Resting
Playing games: backgammon, cards, puzzling, etc.
I’d like fetal monitoring to be:
Intermittent
External
Performed if the baby is in distress
For pain relief I’d like to use:
Acupressure
Breathing technique
Guided meditation
Cold therapies (washcloth, ice)
Hot therapies (shower, steam, scented heating pads)
Massage
During delivery, I would like to:
Squat
Use a birthing tub
As the baby is being delivered, I would like to:
Push to comfort during contractions, listening to my body, and connecting with Baby Boy
Use a mirror to see the baby crown (if possible…may not be in water…)
Touch the head as he crowns (possibly…unless my body is working its wonder to push and have him emerge on his own)
Avoid forceps usage and vacuum extraction
Help catch the baby with Brit
Immediately after delivery, I would like:
The umbilical cord to be cut only after it stops pulsating
Brit to cut the umbilical cord
To deliver the placenta spontaneously and without assistance
To hold the baby immediately after delivery / have him placed on my tummy
To breastfeed as soon as possible / as soon as the baby has energy to do so
Sydney is adamant about seeing Baby Boy be weighed and measured
If a c-section is necessary, I would like:
To make sure all other options have been exhausted
To stay conscious
Brit to remain with me the entire time
The screen lowered so I can watch the baby come out
My hands left free so I can touch the baby
To breastfeed immediately
We Won a Family Photoshoot with Neide B Photography
An experienced photographer, although new to her own business, was looking to expand and diversify her portfolio. She is committed to showing all people and families of all colors, genders, sexual orientations…the works! Pretty awesome, right?
You guys … I am pretty sure we can all agree that 2020 isn’t quite what any of us expected or anticipated. There have definitely been more downs than ups and more uncertainty with what the future holds and looks like than ever before. However … Brit and I have done our very best with trying to find the silver lining when things get tough. And although we have had some profound moments of appreciation during this pandemic, we have also enjoyed some super random wins for our family.
Case in point? An experienced photographer, although new to her own business, was looking to expand and diversify her portfolio. She is committed to showing all people and families of all colors, genders, sexual orientations…the works! Pretty awesome, right? Well, she took to her Facebook community and asked a handful of the mommy groups to nominate a same sex couple with kiddos. Not only did strangers and acquaintances alike nominate us, we won! She actually chose us!
Now, of course our initial plan was to meet at the end of March in a beautiful National Park near where we live. But alas, COVID-19 had other plans. We stayed in touch and kept up to date with the most recent laws, regulations, and safety precautions, and FINALLY found a day, time, and place for her to capture our family. It was actually rather perfect. We went to an open park where not a sole was in sight and I was much further along in my pregnancy, making our moments with Thea even that more special.
Neide, of Neide B Photography, came prepared. She was masked and ready to go, along with her camera and cute lady bug fixture that squeaked to get Thea’s attention. And it worked perfectly. I don’t think the three of us have had such belly laughs before. I feel super fortunate that we have had so many opportunities to work with some of the most talented photographers and videographers in Los Angeles during this pregnancy.
Awaiting Baby #2
As we near the end of our second pregnancy with Baby Boy, we were gifted with an amazing opportunity from our birth photographer and videographer to document a moment in the life of our family of three before Baby Boy arrives.
As we near the end of our second pregnancy with Baby Boy, we were gifted with an amazing opportunity from our birth photographer and videographer. She came over one morning and just followed our family of three around for the day: from getting Thea dressed in the morning and checking on our chickens, to going for our morning walk and getting ready for nap time.
It was such a surreal time for us. It allowed us to be 100% present to Thea. We hope that one day when she sees this video and can understand the importance behind it, that she knows how much her Eema and I love her. We have had the biggest and best blessing in the world when we found out we were pregnant with Thea, and 19+ months later, that blessing has only grown. We can’t wait to watch Thea transform into her Big Sister roll. Although only time will tell, we are both hopeful and excited that she is will take to her new roll beautifully.
We love you so much Baby Girl and we can’t wait for our family of three to become a family of four.
Maternity Shoot for Baby #2
For our maternity shoot this second time around, we decided to step up our game and move from a studio shoot to a home shoot. As always, Anna delivered!
If you know me at all, you know I am all about doing my best to treat each of my babies with the same opportunities. That includes starting at the very beginning. Even though I was only pregnant less than two years ago, I obviously wanted to do another maternity shoot with Baby #2. It was also important for me to include Thea in the shoot … and although we do have some incredible shots with her in it, she was very uninterested. But that’s okay. It gave Brit and me time to be just us and have time with this baby bump. We hope you enjoy these truly magical captured moments as much as we do!
My Year In Review: 5 Things I Either Did or Did Not Do.
Something happened this year that I’m pretty disappointed about. I usually sit down with Sydney and create how our year is going to look. It’s our goals written down on paper vs just living in our heads as “nice thoughts”. Well, for the first time in about 8 years, we didn’t do it.
Something happened this year that I’m pretty disappointed about. I usually sit down with Sydney and create how our year is going to look. It’s our goals written down on paper vs just living in our heads as “nice thoughts”. Well, for the first time in about 8 years, we didn’t do it. Thea was born in December and we kept saying we would do it but never did. Now it’s the end of the year and I have no idea if I accomplished what I wanted to or not. Did I achieve some awesome goals? Yeah. Sure. Did I leave anything on the table? Maybe! I have no idea how to track it. That’s a breakdown. So in order to not dwell on what I can’t control anymore, I’m just gonna apologize to myself (and Sydney) and move forward.
Even though we didn’t write anything down, we were still taking things on and building our future.
Flying from Los ANGELES to Boston
1. We were aggressive with our savings and were able to save over $80,000 (between cash, 401k, Roth IRA and Brokerage) while still enjoying life. I’m not sure what others save, but this was a huge accomplishment for us. I started listening to the ChooseFI podcast and was literally taking action by Episode 4. I’d highly recommend it to anyone who has debt to pay off or saving goals to reach.
2. We traveled ... a lot! We went to Portland, Boston, San Francisco, Rhode Island, Kansas City, Arizona, Las Vegas (twice!), Utah, and New York City (twice!). We are definitely cutting back on travel this next year as Thea has become much more mobile and curious making us even more exhausted, and with a second baby on the way, it’s time for us to just relax at home. Well, except for the few road trips we already have planned and our trip to Toronto we have already booked, which we did through travel hacking. If you’ve never heard of travel hacking before, listen to Episode 9 of the ChooseFI podcast. It explains everything, but, to summarize what it taught us, we booked 2 first class, round trip tickets on Air Canada for $180 (including travel insurance) and we plan to travel hack our hotel stay once we figure out all the details.
2018 vs 2019 at 4th of July, Exact same weight but with weight lifting and macro counting.
3. I wanted to lose weight and get strong. This is kinda funny because I switched my training from a mostly cardio based routine to zero cardio and instead went to 100% weight lifting and something strange happened. My scale didn’t move. But my clothes started to get really big on me, my muscles started to have definition, and my face looked skinner in pictures (cause that’s what is really important 😆🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️). What I learned was when you lift weights (and eat right—I tracked my macros), you will burn fat but the scale might not move if you’re putting muscle weight on. I’ve always known that. I’ve seen the 5 pounds of fat vs 5 pounds of muscle display a million times but to see it in real life, was eye opening. The holidays have thrown me a bit — a lot — off my track but I plan on hitting the new year running ... or well, lifting.
4. I wanted to make more YouTube videos. I have SOOOO many video ideas in the notes app of my phone and we just have not done it. It goes back to not putting it existence — aka writing it down and making a plan. I feel like that’s something I need to schedule into my week because if it’s not there, it’s not going to be managed. Moving into 2020, I want to be more active on our Sharon Moms channel.
5. And in November we bought a house — cue the panic attack and pop the bubbly 😂! It basically means we’re real adults now. It’s nerve-racking and exciting and we’ll have more to share about it in the future. But basically this is one of the goals we created and set out back in 2018 when we chose to rent out our amazing condo and move in with Sydney’s parents.
In May of 2018, Sydney and I were having lunch in Brentwood and I randomly thought “What if we just move in with her parents and save as much money as possible?” I remember immediately thinking, “Do I want to say this out loud? What if she likes this idea and it actually happens happens?”. Then I said it. And Sydney liked it. That night she had dinner plans with her parents and I had an event to go to. When I got home she excitedly told me “my parents love the idea!” and my response was “what idea?”. So apparently Sydney hadn’t stopped thinking about what I said and by June we were packing up 10 years worth of stuff into boxes.
Originally my biggest concern was we were going to move and have nothing to show for it at the end. If we spent the $1,200 to move (yes, we used a moving company), spent 2 years living with other people in their house and weren’t able to save any money, I’d be really disappointed. This was a generous opportunity and I didn’t want to blow it. Well, in October the interest rates dropped and we made our move (10 months ahead of our 2 year schedule!) and we are now proud first time homebuyers!
2020 is going to be a huge year. I can’t wait to see what’s to come. I plan to create my year with Sydney (maybe post it here just to share how we do it). What are some of your 2020 goals? Do you have a goal creating structure you use? I’d love to hear about it!
Yep. We Did It Again. Two Babies Under Two.
Brit and I are expecting Baby #2. We can’t wait to share our journey with you as we navigate pregnancy with a toddler.
Brit and I have been talking about wanting to grow our family for the past couple of months. But really, we’ve been dreaming of a big family since before we were even married. We have always talked about and dreamt of having a large family and the importance of having our children be close in age. We also created these weird social norms that we put on our own marriage, assuming we’d take turns and go back and forth between the two of us carrying. But then reality hit.
Brit wrote an articulate, beautiful, concise Instagram post a few weeks back regarding our choices. First of all, it is exactly that - OUR choice. What we decide to do with our family is really no one else’s business. Secondly, for people genuinely curious, we are always happy to share and be open books. For us, it doesn’t make sense for Brit to get pregnant right now. Aside from the fact that she just simply doesn’t want to (which really is reason enough), financially and physically it just doesn’t make any sense, and, I really want to be pregnant again.
That brings us to today. Today is Friday, December 6th. Although this particular post wasn’t published until only now, I wanted to write now - today - when all of my feelings and thoughts are at the forefront of my mind. A couple of weeks ago Brit and I began the IUI process again, meeting with our doctor, doing baseline ultrasounds, beginning my medication regiment, the works. On Tuesday, November 19th, we went in for the insemination. For those of you who have been following our journey since day one, you may recall that Brit couldn’t make it to my insemination the first time when I got pregnant with Thea. Well, this time was a bit different. Not only was Brit there, but she also pulled the trigger! That’s right, the doctor let her do it. Pretty cool, right?
So for the next 15 days, we just had to wait. And not stress. And not think about it. Still way easier said than done, but this time around wasn’t as bad as I was busy chasing Thea around, preparing for Thanksgiving, and throwing Thea’s 1st birthday party.
Those 15 days eventually came and went. I couldn’t stand not knowing. For those of you who know me well, patience is not one of my redeeming qualities. We had some time to kill so we headed to Target to buy a pregnancy test. I read the directions several times over in the bathroom to ensure the most reliable of outcomes. I kid you not, as I was peeing on the strip, I saw the indicator instantly make a bold ‘+’. I was shaking as I came out of the bathroom to show Brit. I figured I’d have to wait the 3 minutes. Nope. I was pregnant. It was clear as day.
The next couple of days we did the routine blood tests to track the amount of HCG in my blood to gage the accuracy of the at-home pregnancy test and ensure the quality of this tiny embryo. There it was again. My numbers were strong. I was indeed (still) pregnant.
Baby Sharon #2 Coming August 2020.
So why a blog post to share the news and not just a cutesy Instagram post? Well, if you can tell from our due date, we are still very early on in our pregnancy. We’ve decided to share the news now (instead of at the typical 13 week mark) for a few reasons.
I am most definitely in shock. I can’t believe it worked. Again. So quickly. Part of me feels guilty. I personally know of family and friends who have struggled to get pregnant. Straight and gay. And it just isn’t fair. Not that life is, but I think I assumed it would be difficult for Brit and I to have a family. And yet, here we are. We are two for two. Starting our blog and social media accounts for ‘The Sharon Moms’ has given me a front row seat to seeing other couples show their journey into parenthood. It is the purest form of vulnerability, another skill I am trying to work on.
This brings me to my second reason for sharing. A lot of couples wait until they are through their first trimester to announce the upcoming arrival of their little bundle of joy. Why? Aside from superstition, medically speaking, the odds of a miscarriage decrease significantly. The truth is, the more people you share good news with, does not increase the chances of something bad happening. It just doesn’t. And, if something bad or sad does happen, it would make me feel so much better having a community of people around me to support me.
So, there you have it! Brit and I are expecting Baby #2. We can’t wait to share our journey with you as we navigate pregnancy with a toddler.
10 Things I Learned As A Lesbian Mom
We've officially been parents for a year! Here are some of our thoughts and takeaways. Would love to know if anything resonates with you.
Being a mom for a year now has been such a crazy experience. Nobody can prepare you. It’s exhausting! Like really exhausting. But ultimately, I’d never change a thing about choosing to be a parent and choosing how we are raising Thea (co-sleeping, no pacifier, no bottle, etc.).
A few things I learned this year include:
Photo by kit karzen | @kitkarzen
Most people don’t mean to offend.
We were in Vegas for the 4th of July and hanging by the pool. Thea, as she typically does, stole the show. People wanted to meet her and ask about her age and just make sweet comments. One woman was with her husband and their huge group of friends visiting from Miami (I had been talking with the husband at the gym earlier that morning). The wife asked Sydney and I who the mother was. I responded with “we are”. She took a moment to process what I said and then said “oh, I didn’t mean to offend” and I told her it was totally fine. Then we all continued to chat (mostly about Thea).
What I can tell you is, I don’t mind if people need a moment to process our family structure. It’s “new” and I say new in quotes cause it really isn’t, but it is to most people. As long as there’s respect for who we are, people can process openly, inwardly, can ask us about it and it won’t offend me. I think visibility matters for LGBT people, including LGBT families and I’m willing to provide them with a teachable moment people may need.
2. The institutions I was nervous about recognizing me as a full parent surprised me! (In a good way)
As some may know by following our social media, Thea was hospitalized at 8 months because of a very severe fall. She had a skull fracture and was in PEDS ICU at UCLA’s Mattel Children’s Hospital for 3 days. When the accident happened, Thea rode in the ambulance and I followed in my car and arrived separately to the hospital. Upon arrival, Sydney was already with Thea in the emergency room and I had to give my ID to the security and he had to go in the back and confirm I was in fact who I claimed to be and I saw the attending doctor wave me in. I was nervous waiting during those moments as I didn’t know if they would acknowledge me as the mother since Thea was already with one of her mothers, but it was a non-issue.
Then throughout the night while in the emergency room and medical transfer to UCLA’s Mattel Children’s Hospital and our 3 day stay there, we had no issues at all regarding our family structure. It was a blessing knowing the amount of stress we were under that we didn’t have this added, unnecessary stress to deal with.
3. I don’t need to be the breastfeeding mother to bond with my child.
I had a few people in my life tell me that Sydney would easily bond with Thea because she’s breastfeeding her and that I needed to be prepared to find our form of bonding. I thought that was a strange limiting belief to put on me and I kind of shrugged it off without letting it bother me (aka: I forgot about it until I overheard Sydney speaking with a friend about how tight of a bond Thea and I have). Here’s what I discovered this year: I’m bonded to Thea. END OF STATEMENT. By virtue of being her mother, we are bonded. I have never loved and wanted to protect someone as much as Thea.
4. I’m not the “dad” in the situation. I’m the mom.
This statement probably bothers me just as much as when people either seriously or jokingly say “so who’s the man in the relationship?”. It’s so ignorant. I’m the mom. I really shouldn’t have to explain it any more than that but for those who still don’t get it, let me elaborate:
Since I identify as a women and a parent: I’m a mom. I don’t need to have birthed a child to have a motherly connection to a child (just ask the millions of mothers who have adopted or raised children they did not birth). In addition, when someone says I’m ‘the dad’, you’re telling me that family structures can only be one way: a mom and a dad. I reject that. Sydney and I are a perfect example of two moms raising a child. I don’t need you to impress your limits on me. Thanks, but no thanks.
5. Thea is such a special little girl.
Watching Thea see or do something for the first time is so interesting to me, like when she discovered what a ‘ceiling fan’ is and how it can be turned on or off. The first time she said a word or started to crawl or took a step, it blew my mind! Why is it so impressive?
6. I want Thea to go to female doctors.
This was kind of random and only became true after it was spoken. Sydney wanted to interview a few different pediatricians and I requested she find female doctors. Sydney was confused about the request and so I explained: I want Thea to have a female doctor so that unconsciously she would be exposed to professional women in all different environments. Basically, I didn’t want her think women were only school teachers and men are doctors. Thankfully, we found an amazing pediatrician that multiple people in our community recommended, and we have been very happy.
7. I want to befriend other same-sex parents.
I realized this year through conversations with Sydney that it’s important to us that Thea grow up knowing other families that looked like hers.
At the Beverly hills public library
Although we know a lot of gay people, finding other same-sex couples with young children isn’t the easiest. So one of the things I’ve done to support this is starting the Facebook group Gay Moms as a way for LGBTQ parents to connect.
8. I’ve never been more tired in my life.
I’m not joking.
Thea was an amazing sleeper for the first 4 month, sleeping about 10-12 hours each night. Then she got sick and had a stuffy nose and that stopped happening and a new habit had formed after just one week.
Around six month she started waking up around 2 am and being excited to play…this killed us. Sydney was ready to stop co-sleeping and start sleep training, two things I know she wasn’t committed to.
As Thea reaches her 12 month mark, her habits are starting to change and develop again. She’s sleeping through the night and so are we.
9. I am parenting differently.
I didn’t expect it, but I also shouldn’t be surprised by this. I’ve always lived my life going against the grain of social norms, always lived my life by my rules— why would parenting be any different?
What am I doing that’s so different? It’s not a lot of things and it’s also not that significant, but If you believe in the aggregation of marginal gains (as I do) and apply it to parenting, ultimately, it will produce a child that is not just physically healthier, but emotionally sound, content, and at peace.
It started with Sydney and I choosing to approach pregnancy and childbirth using The Bradley Method which encourages moms to eat a high protein diet as well as have a natural birth, which Sydney did and you can read/watch our video about HERE.
From the beginning, we have chosen to co-sleep and not sleep train, exclusively breastfeed, never introduced a bottle or formula, never introduced a pacifier, approached food as play and not nutrition (since she was breastfed; some may call this babyled but honestly, I never looked into babyled so I’m not 100% sure).
Thea on her birthday
Thea’s schedule has always been very fluid, depending on her. Her naps were anywhere from 10 am to 2 pm, for either 30 mins or 2 hours. She’s now pretty consistent with when she goes down for a nap but we let her figure it out and we just follow her lead—although we would usually prefer those 2 hour naps.
10. I think I’ve done pretty good for never doing this before.
I can’t believe it’s been a year since we met Thea. I can’t believe I only changed my first diaper a year ago—I feel like I’ve been doing it my whole life.
As the youngest of all my cousins, I was never really around babies much growing up. Yes, there was the occasional baby I met but that’s all. I never really needed to be quiet cause the baby was sleeping or have dinner with a baby at the table so becoming a parent was a radical life change for me. I think for being new and novice to the world of babies, I think I’ve done a pretty good job. I learned a lot in our Bradley Method class’ and Thea teaches me each and everyday.
Thea's Cake Smash
A picture is worth 1,000 words — or so they say. I am currently speechless, as the one and only Anna Frenkel of Breezy Ann Photography has done it again. We have used Anna three times now — for our maternity shoot and newborn shoot — and now, again, for Thea’s 1st birthday cake smash.
A picture is worth 1,000 words — or so they say. I am currently speechless, as the one and only Anna Frenkel of Breezy Ann Photography has done it again. We have used Anna three times now — for our maternity shoot and newborn shoot — and now, again, for Thea’s 1st birthday cake smash. As I told Brit after Anna had left our home on the day of the shoot, the morning sickness, stretch marks, contractions, and sleepless nights have all been worth the experience I had in that last hour. You just can’t put a price on capturing memories. Thankfully we have this amazing space to utilize at our advantage so we don’t have to choose just one photo to showcase, but A L L of them! We hope you enjoy these as much as we do.
P.S. Where oh where has the time gone?
Getting a Birth Certificate, Social Security Card, and Passport After a Home Birth in Los Angeles
When you have a hospital birth, the staff takes care of the paperwork needed for getting your child’s birth certificate and social security card. When delivering at home, the responsibilities fall on you.
When you have a hospital birth, the staff takes care of the paperwork needed for getting your child’s birth certificate and social security card. When delivering at home, the responsibilities fall on you. There was a lot we learned, including unnecessary office visits at very early hours, so we wanted to help other families out there in streamlining the process.
First, let’s talk about the order in which you need to acquire said documents. First comes the birth certificate; then, the social security card; and finally, the passport.
Birth Certificate
You need to call and make an appointment if you live and gave birth in Los Angeles County. For us, the next available time slot was 4 weeks out from the phone call. We weren’t thrilled about that time frame in the moment, however, we realized that the last thing we wanted to do with our newborn was leave the house. So the wait time was actually a blessing in disguise.
Phone Number: (213) 288-7812 (A game of phone tag is more than likely to happen.)
On the day of your appointment, you will go to the Department of Public Health Vital Records Office at 313 N. Figueroa Street, Room Lobby-1, Los Angeles, CA 90012. I highly recommend having the birth certificate application already printed and filled out. In addition to the application, you will also need to bring the following:
Photo ID in the form of a (valid) Driver’s License or Passport;
Proof of the pregnancy in the form of a signed pregnancy test verification letter or "Affidavit of Birth Information for Out-of-Hospital Births" form (provided by your midwife);
Your baby + a letter on the pediatrician's letterhead stating (1) the date the child was born, (2) the baby's health conditions, (3) baby's weight at the time of the visit, and (4) the child's complete name and address;
And proof that the birth occurred in Los Angeles County. Another form our Midwife gave us at the time of our daughter’s birth proved this. And, there are several other ways to prove that the mother was in Los Angeles County on the date that the birth occurred (which you can read more about by clicking the link below on #5).
Here are the full Requirements for Registering Out-of-Hospital Births
The benefit to doing this process is you receive a certified birth certificate on the spot. You can also request additional certified copies to be made at the same appointment. We decided to have three made. The cost is $28 per birth certificate and they accept payment in the form of cash, credit/debit, check (payable to County of Los Angeles), and money order.
Social Security Card
So this one is a bit of a pain as this is the one step where you can not make an appointment for at the the Social Security Administration office. You must show up in person. You’ll want to go to whichever location is closest to you. (Here’s a list of all the ones in California.) If you make it a priority to be one of the first ones in line (get there 1 hour before they open their doors), you should be in and out in under 20 minutes. Here is what you need to bring with you:
Your child’s official birth certificate.
Your child. In addition, bring your proof of pregnancy that you brought for the birth certificate (see above #2).
Legal guardians. All legal parents should be present and should bring either your driver’s license or passport.
The application for a new social security card, which can be filled out and found here.
For additional documents that may be used instead of the ones mentioned here, please visit SSA.
Passport
This is perhaps the easiest of the three to obtain, if, and only if, you are not pressed for an out-of-country visit. As passports are not a requirement to have, this process has a slower turnaround time, but of course, can be expedited for a fee.
A neat trick we learned through this process was that the Beverly Hills Library can process passports! It’s a much happier, cleaner, kid-friendly, beautiful place to visit over the government buildings. So if you are in the Los Angeles area, or can manage a quick Google search, there may be other unique spots that will issue you a passport.
In addition to having the passport form filled out, you will also need to bring:
Child’s official birth certificate along with a photocopy of the front (and back, if there is printed information).
Legal guardian(s) present ID, such as a fully-valid driver's license or passport and a photocopy of the front and back of each ID that you choose to present.
Both/All parents/guardians must authorize the issuance of your child's passport. The best way to do this is for both of you to go with the child in person when you apply.
And there you have it.
It’s a bit of a nuisance to manage and get done, but it’s a lot easier that we anticipated. And here you now have all the documents and lists to have it go (hopefully) as smoothly as possible.
Baby Lead Sleep
Baby lead sleep..and the importance of secure attachment. I get it. You are exhausted. You haven’t slept a full night in months since the baby was born. Welcome to parenting.
As written by and seen on Dr. Briar, who just so happens to my wonderful, smart, thoughtful, warm, wise, compassionate mama.
BABY LEAD SLEEP...and the importance of secure attachment.
I get it. You are exhausted. You haven’t slept a full night in months since the baby was born. Welcome to parenting.
Your baby spent ten months in your belly. Unlike cows, dogs, or most other mammals our babies are not ready to get up and walk away and fend for themselves within hours of birth. In fact, Ashley Montagu, a social anthropologist, suggested that it’s interesting that humans aren’t marsupials, like kangaroos. Kangaroo babies also need their mothers after birth and would die if they weren’t able to make it up to mamma’s pouch. Our babies need us in a similar way, and if they aren’t held, kept close, and loved, as well as fed and tended to physically in every way, they to would not survive.
Consider that after ten months in utero, it takes at least a year for our babies to gain some independence, and even then it’s pretty wobbly. Even at twenty-one they can be kind of wobbly and still need us. I know we can feel crazy with exhaustion when baby is up every other hour for nights on end. But the new trend in “sleep training” as a remedy for parental fatigue is more for the benefit of sleepy parents than it is about attending to baby’s developmental needs. Babies, when given consistent routines and lots of love, will eventually develop healthy sleep habits.
I have found that in over thirty years of helping families and raising my own babies, that our babies have a lot to teach us if we can listen. Babies who have had the opportunity to sleep with parents in their earliest development often establish very secure attachments to their parents, setting foundational tone for the quality of their broader relationships for the rest of their lives. By the time they are in fourth grade and invited to sleepover parties these children tend to be eager, happy, and confident. Even earlier, when it is time to start school, these kids often have less separation anxiety. They have learned that they can trust their instincts and rhythms. They feel confident that if they should need help it is there for the asking and they presume compassion and warmth.
Putting babies in cribs and letting them “cry it out” under the guise of sleep training is a terrifying thing for infants, leaving them to feel dismissed and that they are being punished for not being ready to separate. How can a human being learn to be separate if they don’t start out with an experience first of being securely attached. We are finding out that babies who are crib-bound or left alone too early or too much eventually stop crying because they become resigned, depressed, and despondent— not because they are learning that sleep or separateness is good.
I’m not saying that babies should never be in cribs or separate from parents. But we have to carefully attend to what our children are asking for and need. Some babies are more comfortable and adaptive to separateness than other babies. What I am saying is we have to listen to them and let them lead the way. You will not ruin your child by having too much closeness with a baby who is asking for it. You will not have a child who is eternally sleepless because you didn’t sleep train them at six months.
My granddaughter is ten months old. My daughter and daughter-in-law briefly toyed with the idea of sleep training, but when they really observed their daughter they saw, heard, and felt her need for closeness with them. Some babies will sleep through the night sooner and others later, but they will all learn eventually. The question is how will they learn? Will they learn to soothe themselves because you have shown them how, by being soothing? Will they associate sleep with the love of mommy’s smell, touch, heartbeat and loving expression? Will this first learning experience set them up positively for voicing their interests, needs, and curiosity later in life, putting them on track for being lifelong lovers of learning?
I hope you can put up with the first year or two or maybe even three of your baby’s possibly extreme neediness. It really is a flaw in our design that we aren’t marsupials and don’t have pouches where we could keep our babies close until they were ready to hop away on their own. But since we don’t, we need to use our ability to be imaginative and think it all the way through. We need to consider how very much our babies need us and then listen to them and be mindful of their cues. It’s got to be quite a shock to come into awarenesses in-utero and have everything handled for us: feeding, hydration, waste, oxygen; and then suddenly be pushed into an external world where we immediately have to take over all those functions instinctively outside.
We need to give our babies a lot of credit for their capacity to begin life as “outside” babies. To ease the shock of the transition a great deal of bodily contact with us is profoundly helpful. By keeping them close to us we are encouraging them to find their rhythms for feeding, playing, quiet time, and sleeping. We are the adults, and it's up to us to be resilient, strong, and loving if we want our children to evolve into secure loving well adjusted human beings. Let’s let them lead for this little while as babies. Soon enough they will have to do much of what everyone else asks and expects of them.
For this beginning time, when you are exhausted and bleary eyed, look at your beautiful baby and allow yourself to experience the miracle that they are. They are here and in your life as infants for such a fleeting moment, and they really want and need you right now. File this time away in your memory, so when they are teenagers and want you out of their rooms, out of their lives, except to please drive them to the mall NOW…you can refer back to this time and remember that you did have the closeness and bonding when they were little. Because you had good bonding during their infancy and toddler years YOU will be able to bear their need later to really separate and launch as adults.Then they really will need you to give them space and room in their “cribs.” And remember, they will come back, especially when they have been graciously and lovingly afforded the bonding they needed in the earliest months and years.
'Tis The Season: Time for Holiday Cards
Aside from the pumpkin spice lattes, the 31 Nights of Halloween movies on TV, and sweater weather creeping in, another fall favorite for my family, or me rather, is prepping for, creating, and ordering our holiday cards. This year, we are super excited to be using Basic Invite for our personalized holiday cards.
Aside from the pumpkin spice lattes, the 31 Nights of Halloween movies on TV, and sweater weather creeping in, another fall favorite for my family, or me rather, is prepping for, creating, and ordering our holiday cards. It was one of the small and silly things I always had been looking forward to most once I was married. Well, 3+ years in, and we have used a few different resources. This year? Well, this year, we are super excited to be using Basic Invite for our personalized holiday cards.
Unlike the other platforms we have used in the past, Basic Invite has unlimited colors (almost!). Really! It’s one of the few sites that allows its users with 180+ color options with an instant online preview.
In addition to the plethora of color options and designs, Basic Invite also provides custom samples of the finalized card before placing an order.
Once you have crossed your T’s and dotted your I’s, your card is done. Almost. Basic Invite has more than 40 different envelope colors to choose from, ensuring a beautiful, seamless match to your card. The best part? Their envelopes are peel and seal so no more wet sponge hacks or paper cuts on your tongue!
For me, my least favorite part of sending out holiday cards is addressing each one. Basic Invite offers an address capturing service that allows you to share a link on your social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.) to request friends and family’s addresses. The addresses are then stored in your customer account and can be selected during the design process. What’s more? All of this plus printing at no additional cost.
For some festive fun additions, you can add foil to your cards in gold, silver, and rose gold in either flat or raised foil.
We are so excited to be working with Basic Invite this holiday season and can’t wait to debut our cards with you in a few weeks. Stay tuned for our reveal and in the meantime, get to shopping. Right now Basic Invite is offering 15% off your order with coupon code: 15FF51. If you use Basic Invite, be sure to share your cards with us, too! We’d love to see what you create with your family.
Want to learn more about Basic Invite or find some inspiration for your own holiday cards or holiday party invitation? Check them out on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and Twitter.
Sunday + Baby + Art Project
We chose a non-toxic, water-based paint and had some fun with our babe today in the hot, summer sun.
Brit has wanted to do this specific art project since before Thea was even born. We spent time researching edible, non-toxic, water-based paints to use and found the best solution…make the paint at home with food-grade materials.
Interested in making your own? Here’s how:
Ingredients
4 tablespoons of corn flour (corn starch)
Cold water
1 cup of boiling water
Liquid food coloring
Tips
If the mixture has harden from being in the fridge, adding a little bit of boiling hot water or leave the paint our for a few hours will return to its smooth consistency.
Steps
In a medium saucepan, mix the cornflour with enough cold water to make a paste. (Not too runny).
Pour in 1 cup of boiling water and stir thoroughly so there are no lumps.
Turn on medium heat on the stove and mix. The mixture will start to change and you will notice some clear streaks forming in the mixture. Once you see this, turn off the heat and continue stirring. It will start to thicken and turn into a wonderful, custard-like consistency.
Spoon equal amounts into empty jars, cups or containers and add food coloring. Mixing until completely combined. For each color, check out this awesome color chart on getting the shade/brightness/hue you are looking for.
Store in the fridge covered with cling wrap for up to 2 weeks. This paint recipe does not have any preservative in it, so it is important to check that the paint has not expired before giving it to children.
Oh, and the super adorable tin that we will be reusing for a milk bath impromptu photo shoot in the future? We bought it at Walmart. It’s considered a seasonal item so get it while it’s hot!
4th of July Family Photo Session
As we do every year, we went to Zion National Park for the 4th of July. This was Thea’s first time as an outside baby and Sydney grabbed her iPhone Xs … Here are a few of my favorites snaps that she took…
As we do every year, we went to Zion National Park for the 4th of July. Sydney has been going for 18 summers and I’ve been joining her for the past 10. This was Thea’s first time as an outside baby and Sydney grabbed her iPhone Xs, which has an amazing camera on it (better than my iPhone X camera). So here are a few of my favorites snaps that she took:
Our 4th of July Zion National Park Trip Turned into a BioFest
Every year we go to Springdale, Utah, where you can find Zion National Park, with Sydney’s entire extended family for a big, fun-filled week of hiking, pool time and lots of yummy food.
Every year we go to Springdale, Utah, where you can find Zion National Park, with Sydney’s entire extended family for a big, fun-filled week of hiking, pool time and lots of yummy food. We stay outside the park at an amazing hotel called The Desert Pearl Inn. The rooms are right on the bank of the Virgin River and their service is top notch. I highly recommend them if you ever plan a trip to Zion.
After this amazing year where Sydney found out she has 6 half brothers and sisters—if you don’t know what I’m talking about, please go read 6 New Siblings in Less Than a Year before continuing this—we invited everyone to join us for this year’s annual trip, in what turned into, what we dubbed as, BioFest. We even had swag.
We had siblings from as close as Phoenix and as far as Toronto. For some, it was the first time they were meeting. The connection was incredible to witness. These people were all strangers last year and after a few months of constant texting and a few Facebook friend requests, they were family.
We spent most days in our bathing suits lounging by the pool, sharing stories of everyone’s first moments of opening their 23&Me kit results, how first conversations with certain siblings went, and comparing one sibling’s likes and dislikes with another’s. In the evening, we’d go out to dinner, get ice cream, and then head back to our river side rooms and play corn hole, drink beers, take selfies, and pass baby Thea around, who is our very own second generation donor baby.
Saying goodbye was hard after such an amazing week, and, we hope to get together again in October in New York for Max’s wedding. Until then, here are some pictures from our trip:
6 Questions We Are Asked All The Time
We get asked all sorts of questions — and sometimes assumptions are made — so we thought we’d provide a list of the most popular ones we’ve been asked as a lesbian couple with a child. Ready? Here we go…
We get asked all sorts of questions — and sometimes assumptions are made — so we thought we’d provide a list of the most popular ones we’ve been asked as a lesbian couple with a child. Ready? Here we go…
Question (Directed to either Brit or me): Are you her sister?
Answer: No, no she is not. We are wives. Not sister wives. Not she’s-my-best-friend-and-we-pretend-to-be-wives. We are just your ordinary married couple. It’s as simple as that.
Tip: Instead of assuming our relationship, either don’t ask at all, or, ask it as an open ended question, without assuming how we are related.
Q (Directed to one of us about Thea): Who’s her dad?
A: She doesn’t have a dad. She has two mommies. Sydney is ‘Mama’ and Brit is ‘Eema’ (which is mom in Hebrew).
T: Although we don’t take offense to this question, it may trigger other same-sex couples with child(ren) or other families with a single parent. Just some food for thought…
Q: How did you pick your donor?
A: We actually love this question because it really was the very first thing we did after we both agreed it was time to start our family. And it’s a good story. First, we both agreed to use the California Cryobank as it is one of the most reputable sperm banks in the country and we are lucky enough to live driving distance away from it. When we first started looking for our donor, Sydney took it upon herself to start the search. She logged into our account daily, for months. It was impossible for her to choose. There are so many options and choices. It’s sort of like shopping online at a department store. You can narrow down your search of a donor by height, eye color, hair color, blood type, education level, religion, etc. The list really does go on. When Sydney became frustrated with having to finally solidify her choice, Brit stepped in. Brit narrowed down the search by height (6’ or taller), eye color (we chose hazel), has Jewish Ancestry, and by blood type (O+ or B+ to match with one of us in case our children ever needed medical treatment). This resulted in 3 possible donor matches. Narrowing it down from there was actually fairly easy. We compared their medical histories and chose the one that was the best fit for us.
Q: What information do you have on your donor?
A: A lot! We were given three baby/childhood photos of him (no adult images are ever provided to help with keeping their anonymity). We have their medical history along with his parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles medical histories. We have SAT scores, genetic test summary, a donor profile, hobbies and interests, a fun questionnaire, and a few other gems.
Q: How does it work? How do you buy sperm?
A: Another good question…as we too had to learn as we went. Each vial of sperm equals one try (either for insemination or IVF). And each vial ranges in price based on how the donor is classified: either open, anonymous, or closed. An open donor means that when the child turns 18 they are already a yes to meeting the child if the child so wishes. An anonymous donor means that the Cryobank will attempt to reach the donor up to two times and at that time, the donor can choose whether or not they want to meet or speak with the child. A closed donor means they are not open to speaking or meeting. The cost ranges from $855 - $995. So you are essentially looking at $1,000 per vial (with taxes and fees). Once you select the donor you want, you are able to purchase directly online how ever many vials you want. One thing that was important to us was to be able to use the same donor for all of our children as to minimize the amount of shared DNA among them. We were told that, on average, it can take up to 4 tries through insemination to get pregnant. So ideally, you want to buy 4 times the amount of children you THINK you want to have. For us, that meant 16 vials, or $16,000! Yikes! We decided that we would start with 10 instead and hope that’s all we need. We were given 3 years of free storage for the vials with the purchase of 10 vials and, luckily, we got pregnant with one try. This isn’t the norm, and we are so grateful to and for our doctor for his aim!
Q: What’s the difference between IUI (intrauterine insemination) and IVF (in vitro fertilization)? Can you do this at home?
A: Intrauterine insemination, (also referred to as insemination or IUI) is essentially the turkey baster method but with a fertility specialist in a doctors office. They use a special instrument that goes through the woman’s cervix and releases the sperm. This gives those little swimmers a bit more of a push closer to finding that egg. In vitro (or IVF) is a medical procedure. After tracking ovulation and taking some serious and expensive medications, often involving daily injections, which produce the release of many eggs. The woman is put under and all the eggs are collected. Afterwards, the doctor uses petri dishes to introduce the eggs to sperm. Usually 50% of the sperm and egg couples will form an embryo. From there, a follow up appointment is made where the embryos are transferred back into the woman. The other big factor and difference between IUI and iVF? The cost! For us, our entire IUI treatment, including the medication I had to be on, the one vial of sperm, and all the doctor checkups leading up to my insemination, cost around $4,000. For us to do IVF, would have cost us nearly $50,000. We realized that we could do 12 IUI rounds for the cost of 1 IVF. And since IVF isn’t a 100% guarantee and it involves a serious medical procedure, the answer was pretty easy for us. As for trying at home? It is definitely possible and doable. However, in order to really have any kind of hope or success from tying at home, the sperm needs to be fresh — not from a sperm bank. This method works well for couples who are comfortable asking a friend to “donate” in the moment. Using frozen sperm that is then thawed often reduced the motility of the sperm and wont often make it pass the cervix (which is why IUI is so important and more accurate).
Well, that just about covers the top questions we are asked. If there is anything that you want more clarity on, have further questions about, or you’d like to know more, let us know in the comments. We are open books and are happy to share. We believe that visibility matters.
Our Story: The Last 10 Years
It all began a year ago this week. I don’t really know what he said. How could I? I had just found out the very thing I have wanted to find out. But let’s start at beginning. I hear it’s a good place to start.
It all began a year ago this week. My cell phone rang on March 28, 2018 at 4:42 pm from 'No Caller ID' -- it was my doctor. "Well, Sydney, it worked. Congratulations…your HCG levels look great." Or at least I think that’s what he said. My mind went blank. After hearing “Congratulations” I don’t really know what he said. How could I? I had just found out the very thing I have wanted to find out. I was pregnant. It had worked.
But let’s start at beginning. I hear it’s a good place to start.
My wife and I met in high school. It wasn’t love at first sight, or even attraction at first site. In fact, I wasn’t even into women. We had become friends our senior year, eventually travelling to Israel together on a gap year program, and both ending up at the same college. After some time spent together, curiosity struck. That’s all it took. We started dating and we instantly knew that this was it -- we’d be each other’s last first kiss.
Time flew by. 1 year turned into 7; we moved in with each other; adopted a dog; and started a company. Then, during Valentine’s Day Weekend of 2015 we proposed to each other. That next year came and went as we planned our dream wedding. It was everything we had wanted to be, as our Rabbi and Cantor married us in our temple that I had grown up in, surrounded by our family and close friends. In addition to a couple of traditional registry items, like fine China and a blender, we asked that people instead give money to what we called our Future Family Fund. We shared that the money would be put away into a savings account until we were ready to start our family.
In January of 2017, we began our next chapter into the journey of parenthood. We met with a few fertility specialists so we could become better educated and equipped at making the best choices for our family: we considered costs, weighed the pros and cons of IUI and IVF, planned, searched for the right donor, the list goes on. It was a trying time for the two of us and we hadn’t even started trying to get pregnant. But by the end of 2017, we had our plan. We chose our doctor, bought a dozen vials of sperm (as we wanted to ensure the same donor for all of our future children), and decided that we’d start trying by my February/March cycle.
I went to my first appointment when I was on Day 4 of my menstrual cycle so my doctor can perform an exam to ensure everything looked good. From there, I would have another 4 check up appoints to track my egg growth, take Clomid, pee on 7 ovulation test strips, pick up the vial of sperm from the Cryobank, and be given an injection of HCG. All of this occurred within 13 days.
On day 12 of this journey, I was given the HCG shot. Brit had come with me to every single appointment. And as a side note, our doctor was about an hour away from where we lived — that’s 2 hours in the car, there and back, for a 30 minute check up. So when it was time to take the shot, I knew I would have to go back in the next day. Brit had already put so many things on hold, and I think we both thought it wouldn’t really work the first time anyways, that we were both comfortable and okay with my mom taking me to my insemination appointment. So that night, after my shot, Brit and I went home and had a romantic evening with each other, wine and all.
The morning of March 12th had arrived. I was jittery and anxious — two things everyone tells you not be when trying to conceive. My mom picked me up from my condo and drove me to my appointment. As we waited in the waiting room to be seen, I counted 40 weeks from my first day of my last period. December 1st. My thoughts were interrupted. “Sydney,” a nurse said at the door separating the waiting room to the rest of the medical offices. My mom and I took a deep breath, gathered our belongings, and headed back. “Take your pants and underwear off and put this blanket over you. The doctor will be with you shortly.” As I lay half naked on the medical table, waiting, all I could hear was my heartbeat. I didn’t know what to think. It felt like hours had passed until the doctor finally came in. He shook my moms hands, he asked me how I was feeling, and then said, “It’s time.”
The actual IUI procedure was easy and painless. The doctor inserts a teeny tiny flexible syringe-like tool through my cervix and released the sperm. That was it. It was done. I got dressed, paid for the services, and went out to dinner with my mom.
The next set of instructions I was given before I had left the doctors office was to NOT take a pregnancy test. Pregnancy tests are not 100% accurate and they didn’t want me to experience a false positive … or a false negative. That’s the type of stress that should be kept at bay. Instead, I was supposed to carry on with my days, as worry-free as possible, until 16 days post IUI. On day 15, March 27th, I called the doctor’s office. “Hi, it’s Sydney. I was just inseminated a couple of weeks ago and was told to call if ‘IT’ hasn’t arrived. I know I probably sound crazy, but I don’t want to say ‘IT’ in case ‘IT’ does come in the next 24 hours. I don’t want to jinx myself. Anyways, tomorrow is day 16 and I haven’t taken a pregnancy test.” The woman at the other end of the phone laughed in a sympathetic and empathetic way and reassured me. “Of course, Sydney. Let’s have you come in tomorrow.”
March 28, 2018. A day I will never forget. I went to the doctor’s alone. I told Brit that it was silly for her to miss work when this particular appointment was just for a blood draw. I went in, they drew my blood, they wished me luck, and told me that one of the nurses or the doctor would call when the results were in. I went home, cuddled with my puppy and watched TV. Hours went by. The phone rang. It was the doctor’s office. At the other end of the line, I heard my doctor’s voice. "Well, Sydney, it worked. Congratulations…your HCG levels look great." (Or something to that affect.) Needless to say, I was indeed pregnant.
I went on to have a healthy pregnancy. The weeks came and went – all 40 of them. In fact, December 1st began like any other day. Granted this was the estimated due date all my doctors gave me, so I was a bit more excited that I had reached a full 40 weeks. Otherwise, my mom had gone to her annual eye doctor appointment and my dad and wife left for the office for their monthly philanthropic clinic. I had woken up around 8 am with the family to see them off. Once they had left I went back to bed. Being 40 weeks pregnant, getting crappy sleep, and the pending arrival of our baby girl looming, I was exhausted. Around 11:30 am I woke up suddenly with an immediate urge to poop — to the extent that I thought if I didn’t run to the bathroom, I’d have an accident in bed. So I made my way to the bathroom, peed, and went back to bed. Minutes later I woke up again. “Wait! I am 29 years old. I won’t poop my pants. That’s ridiculous.”
At this point, I texted one of my friends who had just given birth 8 weeks prior, “What do contractions feel like?” After a quick texting conversation, I decided I was in early labor, but wanted to be sure. I started timing the contractions, made a snack, took a shower, napped, and went for a walk. Sure enough, my contractions kept coming, closer and stronger. It was now 1 pm and it was time to call my mom. I didn’t want to bother her earlier as I knew her appointment would be over soon anyways, and I definitely didn’t want to bother my wife because I didn’t want her to panic that I was home alone. “I think it’s time. I think I’m in labor.
Within an hour, my wife, mom, aunt, and mother-in-law were all back at home with me. It was all very exciting and equally nerve-racking. My contractions were lasting about 45 seconds and were happening every 9 minutes. It was nearly 3 pm and I was officially in active labor. I was desperate to be in water. Our birthing tub hadn’t yet been set up so I went into our Jacuzzi, butt naked, with my mom. By this point, my dad and another aunt had shown up. While talking in between contractions and relaxing during them, Brit had decided to call our midwife, Leslie, just to inform her that I was in labor. “Sydney’s contractions are 6 minutes apart, lasting over a minute,” Brit told Leslie. When the phone call ended, we noticed the water in the hot tub became murky. My water had broken. It was time to move to another location to continue my labor. So into my parent’s bed I went. It wasn’t planned that way. But in the moment, all I wanted was to feel safe, and there is no place greater than my parent’s bed. So my caravan of a team helped me out of the water, dried me off, and walked me upstairs.
By this point our dear family friend and shiatsu massage therapist, Steve, and our photographer/videographer, Rebecca, had arrived. During our birthing classes, we had learned about back labor. My mom had it with all three of us kids and the best solution is counter pressure. When I had initially asked Steve to be apart of my birth team, he was more than willing and happy to be my counter pressure expert. And thank goodness for that. Between my back labor and rectal pressure, I needed every ounce of natural relief I could get. Steve’s job was to apply as much pressure as possible to my lower back, while my mom’s job was to make sure I stayed relaxed through deep breathing and guided imagery. I labored on the bed. And on the toilet. And on a yoga ball. My contractions were on top of each other lasting about 1 minute and 40 seconds. All of a sudden I threw up and had the chills. I had started moaning, or what was later described to me as my birthing song. I was in transition. And still no midwife. I could feel it in my bones — I knew I was close.
By 6:30 pm, Leslie had shown up. She came right upstairs and began examining the baby’s heartbeat, my vitals, and eventually, checked to see how dilated I was. 9 centimeters. I was already at 9 centimeters. She asked me if I wanted to push. “YES!” I cried out.
The birthing tub now was set up in our living room, an appropriate room to bring more life into. I was now being helped back downstairs to push in the tub. It was just after 7 pm. The water was warm. Brit held onto me with all her love and might. After thirty minutes or so, I wasn’t making any progress getting our little girl out. The water was too high and gravity was working against me. My mom suggested to me that I try laboring and pushing outside of the tub. At this point I wanted the baby out more than I wanted a water birth. So I went out of the tub and onto the couch. My team had propped me on my side with pillows and helping hands. My mom stroked my head and continued coaching me through my pushing while my dad held onto my mom. Brit held my right leg and right hand while showering me with love as her mom held her hand. One of my aunts held my left leg to give me something to push against. My cantor played guitar while I pushed and pushed and pushed. My midwife was in the end zone.
The room was dark and warm. The fireplace was lit. The twinkle lights were on. My family gathered around me and sang songs as our little girls headed began to bulge. My midwife coached me on how to push and when to push. Brit told me the head was out and encouraged me to reach down and touch her head. I did. It gave me the extra focus I needed. The next thing I heard were the shoulders are out. Everyone is encouraging me to reach down and pull my baby out. I did.
It was 8:46 pm on December 1st. And just like that our baby girl was born. On her due date. In the comfort and warmth of our home. Surrounded by family. There she was, in all her glory. She was perfect. She lay on my body as I rubbed in her vernix while we waited for her umbilical cord to stop pulsing. Our little one came into this world fast and furious. 7 pounds 9 ounces. 20.25 inches long. 10 fingers and 10 toes.
All of this – the tears, the choices, the timing – it all had worked. And it brought my wife and I the very best gift: Thea Madison Quinn.
As first shared with LoveWhatMatters.com.