6 Questions We Are Asked All The Time

We get asked all sorts of questions — and sometimes assumptions are made — so we thought we’d provide a list of the most popular ones we’ve been asked as a lesbian couple with a child. Ready? Here we go…

Question (Directed to either Brit or me): Are you her sister?
Answer: No, no she is not. We are wives. Not sister wives. Not she’s-my-best-friend-and-we-pretend-to-be-wives. We are just your ordinary married couple. It’s as simple as that.
Tip: Instead of assuming our relationship, either don’t ask at all, or, ask it as an open ended question, without assuming how we are related.

Q (Directed to one of us about Thea): Who’s her dad?
A: She doesn’t have a dad. She has two mommies. Sydney is ‘Mama’ and Brit is ‘Eema’ (which is mom in Hebrew).
T: Although we don’t take offense to this question, it may trigger other same-sex couples with child(ren) or other families with a single parent. Just some food for thought…

Q: How did you pick your donor?
A: We actually love this question because it really was the very first thing we did after we both agreed it was time to start our family. And it’s a good story. First, we both agreed to use the California Cryobank as it is one of the most reputable sperm banks in the country and we are lucky enough to live driving distance away from it. When we first started looking for our donor, Sydney took it upon herself to start the search. She logged into our account daily, for months. It was impossible for her to choose. There are so many options and choices. It’s sort of like shopping online at a department store. You can narrow down your search of a donor by height, eye color, hair color, blood type, education level, religion, etc. The list really does go on. When Sydney became frustrated with having to finally solidify her choice, Brit stepped in. Brit narrowed down the search by height (6’ or taller), eye color (we chose hazel), has Jewish Ancestry, and by blood type (O+ or B+ to match with one of us in case our children ever needed medical treatment). This resulted in 3 possible donor matches. Narrowing it down from there was actually fairly easy. We compared their medical histories and chose the one that was the best fit for us.

Q: What information do you have on your donor?
A: A lot! We were given three baby/childhood photos of him (no adult images are ever provided to help with keeping their anonymity). We have their medical history along with his parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles medical histories. We have SAT scores, genetic test summary, a donor profile, hobbies and interests, a fun questionnaire, and a few other gems.

Q: How does it work? How do you buy sperm?
A: Another good question…as we too had to learn as we went. Each vial of sperm equals one try (either for insemination or IVF). And each vial ranges in price based on how the donor is classified: either open, anonymous, or closed. An open donor means that when the child turns 18 they are already a yes to meeting the child if the child so wishes. An anonymous donor means that the Cryobank will attempt to reach the donor up to two times and at that time, the donor can choose whether or not they want to meet or speak with the child. A closed donor means they are not open to speaking or meeting. The cost ranges from $855 - $995. So you are essentially looking at $1,000 per vial (with taxes and fees). Once you select the donor you want, you are able to purchase directly online how ever many vials you want. One thing that was important to us was to be able to use the same donor for all of our children as to minimize the amount of shared DNA among them. We were told that, on average, it can take up to 4 tries through insemination to get pregnant. So ideally, you want to buy 4 times the amount of children you THINK you want to have. For us, that meant 16 vials, or $16,000! Yikes! We decided that we would start with 10 instead and hope that’s all we need. We were given 3 years of free storage for the vials with the purchase of 10 vials and, luckily, we got pregnant with one try. This isn’t the norm, and we are so grateful to and for our doctor for his aim!

Q: What’s the difference between IUI (intrauterine insemination) and IVF (in vitro fertilization)? Can you do this at home?
A: Intrauterine insemination, (also referred to as insemination or IUI) is essentially the turkey baster method but with a fertility specialist in a doctors office. They use a special instrument that goes through the woman’s cervix and releases the sperm. This gives those little swimmers a bit more of a push closer to finding that egg. In vitro (or IVF) is a medical procedure. After tracking ovulation and taking some serious and expensive medications, often involving daily injections, which produce the release of many eggs. The woman is put under and all the eggs are collected. Afterwards, the doctor uses petri dishes to introduce the eggs to sperm. Usually 50% of the sperm and egg couples will form an embryo. From there, a follow up appointment is made where the embryos are transferred back into the woman. The other big factor and difference between IUI and iVF? The cost! For us, our entire IUI treatment, including the medication I had to be on, the one vial of sperm, and all the doctor checkups leading up to my insemination, cost around $4,000. For us to do IVF, would have cost us nearly $50,000. We realized that we could do 12 IUI rounds for the cost of 1 IVF. And since IVF isn’t a 100% guarantee and it involves a serious medical procedure, the answer was pretty easy for us. As for trying at home? It is definitely possible and doable. However, in order to really have any kind of hope or success from tying at home, the sperm needs to be fresh — not from a sperm bank. This method works well for couples who are comfortable asking a friend to “donate” in the moment. Using frozen sperm that is then thawed often reduced the motility of the sperm and wont often make it pass the cervix (which is why IUI is so important and more accurate).

Well, that just about covers the top questions we are asked. If there is anything that you want more clarity on, have further questions about, or you’d like to know more, let us know in the comments. We are open books and are happy to share. We believe that visibility matters.

A Year Ago Today: My Journey with IUI

A year ago today my mom took me to my fertility doctor for what would become the day (or close to) I became pregnant. March 12, 2018 was my insemination day. Brit and I had spent weeks gearing up for this first try with doctor visits, uterine exams, taking Clomid and a shot of HCG, peeing on sticks, the works…

At the time, it didn’t feel all that real. I was just going through the motions that my doctor had given me. I went to my first appointment when I was on Day 4 of my menstrual cycle so my doctor can perform an exam to ensure everything looked good. From there, I would have another 4 check up appoints to track my eggs growth, take Clomid (an oral medication that is used to stimulate ovulation), pee on 7 ovulation test strips, pick up the vial of sperm from the Cryobank, and be given an injection of HCG (a hormone that supports the normal development of an egg in a woman's ovary, and stimulates the release of the egg during ovulation). All of this occurred within 13 days.

On day 12 of this journey, I was given the HCG shot. As mentioned, this is supposed to help ensure the release of my egg during ovulation, which means that within 24 hours of the shot, I would need to be inseminated. Brit had come with me to every single appointment. And as a side note, our doctor was about an hour away from where we lived — that’s 2 hours in the car, there and back, for a 30 minute check up. So when it was time to take the shot, I knew I would have to go back in the next day. Brit had already put so many things on hold, and I think we both thought it wouldn’t really work the first time anyways, that we were both comfortable and okay with my mom taking me to my insemination appointment. So that night, after my shot, Brit and I went home and had a romantic evening with each other, wine and all.

The morning of March 12th had arrived. I was jittery and anxious — two things every fertility doctor and OBGYN tell you not be when trying to conceive). I did what I could to self soothe. Lots and lots of deep breaths. My mom picked me up from my condo and drove me to my appointment. As we waited in the waiting room to be seen, I counted 40 weeks from my first day of my last period (which was about 2 weeks prior). December 1st. I told my mom it had to work. If the insemination was unsuccessful and I had to wait another cycle, my due date would have been during Christmas / New Years, and my parents had already planned their winter trip — one that I knew they would obviously cancel for the birth of their first grandchild, but I like to be accommodating.

“Sydney,” a nurse said at the door separating the waiting to the rest of the medical offices. My mom and I took a deep breath, gathered our belongings, and headed back. “Take your pants and underwear off and put this blanket over you. The doctor will be with you shortly.” As I lay half naked on the medical table, waiting, all I could hear was my heartbeat. I didn’t know what to think. It felt like hours had passed until the doctor finally came in. In reality? It was 5, maybe 10 minutes, tops. He shook my moms hands, he asked me how I was feeling, and then said, “It’s time.”

The actual IUI procedure (intrauterine insemination) was easy and painless. The doctor inserts a teeny tiny flexible syringe-like tool through my cervix and releases the sperm. That’s it. Done. There is no lying on my back with my feet above my head for 30 minutes. There is no sitting period. After he was done, I got dressed, paid for the services, and went out to dinner with my mom. During dinner I began to feel some light cramping. This was normal. Not comfortable or reassuring, but normal.

The next set of instructions I was given before I had left the doctors office was to NOT take a pregnancy test. Pregnancy tests are not 100% guarantee and they didn’t want me to experience a false positive. That’s the type of stress that should be kept at bay. Instead, I was suppose to carry on with my days, as worry-free as possible, until 16 days post IUI. On day 15, March 27th, I called the doctor’s office. “Hi, it’s Sydney. I was just inseminated a couple of weeks ago and was told to call if ‘IT’ hasn’t arrived. I know I probably sound crazy, but I don’t want to say ‘IT’ in case ‘IT’ does come. I don’t want to jinx myself. Anyways, tomorrow is day 16 and I haven’t taken a pregnancy test.” The woman at the other end of the phone laughed (in a sympathetic, I know what you are going through kind of way) and reassured me. “Of course, Sydney. Let’s have you come in tomorrow.”

March 28, 2018. A day I will never forget. I went to the doctor’s alone. I told Brit that it was silly for her to miss work when this particular appointment was just for a blood draw. I wouldn’t hear anything about my results for at least a day. I had fibbed. I knew I would hear back that same day, but felt like I needed to do this part on my own. I went in, they drew my blood, they wished me luck, and told me that one of the nurses or the doctor would call when the results were in. The best way to know if you’re pregnant is through a blood test. It’s taken 16 days past ovulation, or for me, after my IUI. Once those results are in, if HCG levels are high, odds are, you’re pregnant. To confirm, the same blood test is done two days later. If the levels have at least doubled, a pregnancy is confirmed.

After my blood draw, I went home, cuddled with my puppy and watched TV. Hours went by. The phone rang. It was the doctors office. At the other end of the line, I heard my doctor’s voice. I had made up that if one of the nurses called, it meant I was pregnant, as they wouldn’t have the nurse call with bad news. So if the doctor called, he’d be the one to break the news softly. “Congratulations, Sydney. You’re pregnant.” I just about passed out. I can’t tell you, to this day, what he said after that. We allegedly spoke for 3 minutes, but I don’t remember what he said. By the end of the call I had made a follow up appointment for 48 hours later to ensure that my numbers doubled. SPOILER ALERT. They did!

This process took about a month. From getting my period to my first check up with the doctor, from medications and an injection, to that actual insemination and confirmation, it had taken 33 days from start to finish, and it ended in a healthy, beautiful, wonderful baby girl. But we will get into my pregnancy, who and how we told our family and friends in another post. For now, this post, I want preserved for that moment in time when Brit and I conceived.

Our journey is blessed and special. We were fortunate and lucky enough to have the best support team, both medically and with our family, and to have been successful on one try. Even now, with Thea being here, with us, this all still feels like a dream.